to new theological beginnings.

Theology. We used to break this word down in Christian Beliefs class; simply put, one could call it the “study of God.” Calling it that now just sounds too meh, too blah, too bland. It sounds like some task that we must do in order to better relate or understand the Creator. I wrote in a paper a year ago that for me, theology felt like taking a towel to my feet covered in wet sand. Ouch.

Outside of the protective bubble of a Christian university campus, I find that attempting theology still hurts. What used to hurt in the terms of late nights typing papers and aggreivating discussions that went no where now hurts in a different way.

I’ve spent years thinking that you could understand it all on an intellectual level – and not only that, but that for whatever reason, intellect was superior to devotion. I find myself consistently weeping while listening to Christian music on the radio. I spent years avoiding Christian music (intellectually, I had my reasons). I spent years thinking that I could not read my bible (because, of course, you have cannot have good hermeneutics without good exegesis!). I spent years thinking, thinking, thinking…

And, I awoke, just recently to the realization that I had gone somewhere dark and lonely. I am deeply wounded – as Caputo suggests – from the choices and the mistakes and the struggles that this journey has taken me. I realize every day as I drive down these foreign roads with a mere ten minutes of KLOVE – which often bring a batch of resounding daily tears – that I am desperately in love with a man who may never love me and a Creator who deeply loves me.

“They” say that when we ask the questions about suffering and God that it will deepen our understanding of who God is… It is so easy to say this and much harder to feel the pain and the loss and the loneliness and attempt to reconcile a relationship with God in the meanwhile.

Nonetheless, I want to try. I want to know God – intellectually and spiritually. The circle comes back to these new theological beginnings: when once the word “study” meant agony, now it merely means, “Come and see” and perhaps paradoxically, “Be still and know that I am God.”

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Published:
18 May, 2008 / 9:02 pm
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